Venmo Culture Is Killing Us | TikTok Therapy
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Welcome to our 4-part podcast capsule series, TikTok Therapy!
In this series TFD CEO Chelsea Fagan is joined by Samantha Dalton, clinical social worker, for a discussion about how mental health and therapy speak have been co-opted and distorted across social media. Each episode will break down a different piece of toxic mental health advice — in this episode, they're deep diving into Venmo culture.
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Watch episode 1 of TikTok Therapy here:
Thank you to Samantha for sharing her expertise with us!
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Omg my sister is like this. She always thinks people owe her while completely conveniently forgetting that we pay for her 99% of the time. Always complaining that our family doesn’t give her money when they literally gave her 70k for the house. I’m feeling blessed while she’s feeling a chip on her shoulder.
Have you tried not paying for her?
Wait, she got $70k for a house and still feels owed? 😢
My sister is like this too. She thinks she’s generous to everyone and we’re not generous toward her 🙄
This is *excellent* thank you ladies! Wonderfully articulating so much I’ve been mulling over. Thank you!
This is so interesting! I’m in my mid-twenties and have been experiencing the anxiety over financial “equalness” in friendships as an extension of the childhood/teenage worry about always being the friend who cared more/gave more in the friendship. While some listening might not have been financially taken advantage of, I think lots of people have felt like their past friendships have been unequal in other ways.
resident rich kid here. You’re absolutely correct about rich people generally being cheap. It’s been an honestly strange learning journey for me, because I obfuscated my wealth because it was honestly obfuscated from me, and as a teenager I just acted the way I was taught to act by my parents. I was several times shamed by my own parents for trying to share things like my allowance. But, I was also shamed for just trying to get out of the house to do things like see friends, so my family was weird and abusive beyond things relating to our wealth. I also grew up with feelings and anxiety of financial insecurity, even though this wasn’t our reality. We were new money, and my family, my father especially, had not internalized that at all. So despite swimming in it, he was very anxious around extremely small purchases, like, I kid you not, the 7 dollar breakfast sandwich and even household essentials like toilet paper. On one occasion, my step mom, who is old money af and received financial support up into her 30’s from her parents, freaked out at me for idk, wiping too much after I was sick with diarrhea, and using too much paper. Very weird experience all around.
Wealthy or not, abuse is abuse. You have my sympathy, and I hope you’re doing better.
Grew up in a similar setting. I didn’t realize we were ok because there were just way too many mixed signals. Trying to break cycles. Cheering you on!
This exactly! No one talks about the parents with money who take you to thrift stores, and make you think that every toy you want is an imposition while also constantly buying stuff just because it was one sale. The flip flopping is the worst part – where they say they would be willing to buy you a car, but don’t want to spend 5 extra dollars on a dish that you’ll want more than the value menu. And it all just gets so much more complicated when they are emotionally abusive and make you feel bad for taking up space in their life – therefore costing them money.
@@emmakane6848 hahaha that last sentence. Real. I guess I’m glad I can laugh about it at this time 😂
Super neurotic! I grew up with a stay-at-home mom who refused to work even when we were older. So we could apparently afford for her to never work but we couldn’t afford all kinds of other stuff, and I was cut off at 18.
I hate this culture. My niece called me 2 months in a row and asked for money for her storage unit. I sent it venmo. About 3 months later, she sent it back! Like..girl! You’re a broke college student! Keep your 50.00! I don’t even have my venmo connected, so It’s just sitting there waiting for her to ask for 50 bucks again.
I refuse to ever get Venmo or any of those apps. Such a dumb concept. If I buy lunch or a coffee for someone. Cool. I got you this time. You get me next time. If next time isn’t for a year or ever, whatever. I’m not going to monetize friendship.
Immediately thinking about that “credit card roulette” skit on “I Think You Should Leave”.😅
Listening to this reminded me I owe a friend money for dinner last week lol
So glad I don’t have friends who act like that
I use Venmo if it’s a bigger cost or like we split an expensive meal on one card. But 5 bucks? No lol
My friends and I are the opposite of Venmo culture in that we have spent the last 5 years Venmoing around the same 50 bucks when one of us is having a hard time with the message “go buy yourself a coffee/break/whatever.” And then we mercilessly ask for updates until the person has done a nice thing for themselves. This is the Venmo culture I support.
@14:00 I get that some people are cheap, but also some people are legitimately operating from a state of survival and feel that they can’t be generous as a result, even though realistically they can, and I think that’s a result of living in a late stage capitalist society which we have only witnessed become progressively worse and more difficult.
I think there’s always a balance. Some people will totally take advantage and will NEVER offer to pay, but then sometimes people can be too aggressive about paying or splitting equally or whatever. My rule of thumb is that more than 2 people, then everyone should just pay their own way. However i often will treat my friends when we go out together or to a show because I know I make more than they do and I don’t expect that money back or for them to make it up to me. But if they offer to pay one time, I will gladly accept their offer and thank them without making a big deal out of it (because I also don’t want to appear condescending!)
I don’t do Venmo. I know who my cheap friends are, I know who my struggling financially friends are and who my financially successful friends are…and handle the splitting the bill situation accordingly. Always giving grace to my financially struggling friends because I’ve been there.
There’s a difference between pragmatism and “being cheap.”
I am a 34 y.o M and paying separately for dinner has always been the default with my friends. Often someone will pick up the tab with a credit card and then friends will Venmo their share. If it’s small things me or friends will pick up drinks that are under 10. I think every friend group is different. Unsolicited Venmo requests that aren’t previously stated verbally probably dont feel great though. Wedding culture is pretty crazy and I think it ruins a lot of friend groups especially women friend groups.
What is the best way to split costs such as rent/utilities/groceries/life stuff in partnership if not Venmo? Joint bank accounts? You should do a video on joint bank accounts or advice for couples who don’t want to be the Venmo breakfast sandwich couples lol
The first thing I thought when I heard Samantha speak was “wow she is rich”. The whole “I’m so generous that I can pay for the outing” and also then offering to pay for her portion when a friend puts their card down. She says she would never expect them to invite her. But I think she does. And her expectations are being met so she doesn’t feel like she had to fight for that arrangement in the first place.
Me too. Maybe this is a cultural thing but where I live in Europe, we always pay separately and it’s totally normal and fair. I rarely drink alcohol or eat meat so my meal is usually the cheapest and I don’t see why I should pay for others who go take way more expensive meals. Same if I take a way more expensive meal. To me, it feels weird to assume that they should pay for my meal too, it even feels a bit invasive. And I don’t feel like it’s coming from an anxious place it’s just normal to me and all my friend groups.
Definitely one of my financial goals is to be able to reserve a large table at a cafe and treat all my friends to a meal on my birthday each year. Another layer is that I have a ton of food sensitivities so I basically can only safely eat at a small number of places in town, so it would be great to reserve a big table at one of those places.
You want people to remember you for being generous, I want people to not remember me at all.