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Joe Lilli
I think this is changing rapidly. MANY women don’t have a social life anymore either.
Loneliness epidemic
Im happy with being by myself but i dont have an issue with this either.
I guess it depends how you define a social life – I (38f) am quite introverted and do have only 3 close friends, who I meet once in a blue moon, and even thats more than enough for me, because if we meet, we can talk easily about everything and of course we stay in contact through whatsapp/telephone all the time.
Men around me – I already saw this in my early 20s when living in a student dorm with mostly male students – have their drinking buddies, a lot of them, but (shockingly to me) their private conversations/friendships never went really deep.
Maybe thats the reason why men and esp. their health profit more from a stable romantic relationship than women.
And if men had more meaningful friendships maybe they wouldnt need romantic relationships as much as they think they do and stop misusing women for all their emotional wellbeing (and no, I am not a men-hating bra-burner, just my objective observations around family/colleagues)
edit for addendum.
It’s true. I have some great friends who are a couple that I’ve known since college. They have two kids and their immediate family life is going well as far as I can tell. They are very community minded and very active in their kids’ schools and activities. And the wife has a career that has her out in the community meeting new people constantly. But she told me she’s in her early 40s and feels like her group of true friends is steadily shrinking.
Women are more likely to build relationships and get involved with their community.
This ish starts in high school! As a perpetually single person, it was super easy to see close friends just disappear into relationships. Like a freaking submarine, they’ll resurface months later after the breakup. Then dudes started getting married and, with no break up, like a nuclear submarine, they submerged into their marriage and never surfaced ever again. I kept having to find new friends to replace the married ones.
Nuclear submarine 😂
I was not prepared for married folks being nuclear submarines but I’m here for it
Oh thats interesting but I see what you mean 🤔
This has happened to me with so many male friends and I never considered until now that they are dropping ALL their friends and not just their female friends. This is very eye opening
My husband did this when we got married. I deliberately tried to marry someone who had friends, and then he dropped them all, including his brothers. I kept begging him to go and spend time with his friends and give me alone time or spend time with his friends when I was. Nope.
Worse, he told them that he couldn’t because “my wife needs me”. Nope I didn’t. But I rarely found out that he’d rejected, and even more rarely find out the reason he’d told them. Needless to say, his family thinks I was isolating him and abusive.
Worse, I found out that my experience was not new upon confiding to my friends.
I kicked him out and we might add an ex on to that husband, but he is finally getting therapy and doing a lot better. But regardless, my relationship with his family will never heal properly after a few years of my husband repeatedly throwing me under the bus with them. So that’s disappointing. Even if a few of them are toxic, the rest were nice.
My parents are in their 60s and are getting divorced. I didn’t realize it until this process started, but my father is so lonely. He has a life full of acquaintances, not friends. He has no one to support him through this very traumatic episode in his life, and it truly hurts me to see.
he’s been lonely in the marriage too, but most dad’s are viewed as task mules at best or emotional dumping grounds and targets for abuse because “he’s the protector and needs to provide an emotionally safe space for his wife” (mainly because she can’t take criticism but happily dishes it out).
@@saeedhossain6099why do you think women shut down or look at their husbands as “task mules”? The entire point of this is that they lean so heavily on their wives for ALL their emotional needs. These woman are burnt the f out!
Men get looked down upon when they have hobbies and close friends. Society expects them to be work animals for their spouse and family and that should be their only interest in life.
@@saeedhossain6099interesting way you reframed a serious issue effecting men into an attack on women. learning healthy ways to establish boundaries and how to act accordingly when those boundaries are crossed is also an important lesson. we can’t control how others behave, but we can control our own actions and reactions. perhaps an instance where one feels like an emotional dumping ground is a good place to exercise one’s own autonomy.
@@saeedhossain6099huh? Most men do this to their wives not the other way around
I have had lunch with 3 other male friends once a month for 28 years. Got a new Girlfriend who got jealous and told me to stop, and I am happily single again. But I do have a few platonic girl friends that I spend time with. Life is pretty darn good. It is vital to have friends outside of any relationship as long as they are relationship friendly/neutral type friends (important LOL)
Bingo!
THIS!!!!
Lunch once a month was too much for her!?! Like if you were out all hours or making her a sports widow every weekend all weekend maybe but like ideally you’d see your friends once every WEEK. Insane she would complain!
I’ve never understood the super jealous partner thing, like, if you love someone, don’t you want them to be loved?
@@doctorwholover1012 loved but only by them. Anyone else is seen as a threat.
We need more Aragorns and Sams in the world.
That’s also why they often rush to get married after a divorce or death of wife, no emotional skills or support system/community
As the saying goes: women grieve, men replace.
@@AuggMamaI don’t know anyone who says that. It is unfortunate that men often lack and don’t seem to care about learning social skills, which is why they have to replace, because they have no one else. Definitely a self-made problem, but when it happens at a societal level, maybe mothers need to start making sure their sons are held just as accountable as their daughters. It shouldn’t have to be on women to fix men, but mothers are the biggest way we have any control over how boys become men.
2 main factors in this (at least as far as I am concerned)
1 – No time: Between work, kids, after school stuff and regular chores, I have no time or energy to actively go out with the few friends I do have.
2 – 3rd Places – Our society has rapidly been getting rid of 3rd places for a couple generations now, so there are very few places to go where you don’t have to spend a ton of money just to exist.
I totally get your points, it is hard indeed to stay/make friends as an adult. But women are able to do it.
I hear you, but a couple responses: we make time for our priorities. If you know this will be valuable to you and your family, your family will be happy to make this time available to you. Make sure to do the same for your spouse/partner.
If you have a Frisbee and/or a pair of working legs and don’t live in the Himalayas, you can always have a space. These are excuses, my man, get out there and do it.
If you are fairly close to some guys, ask a local church if you can gather there once a month and bring your own lunches, coffee, or playing cards. After a while, if you clean up after yourself, they’ll give you a key.
The time thing is absolutely true. You’re expected to do chores and have no leisure time with friends
most women dont have more time either, they make it
@@LorettaBangBang exactly its just more excuse 😂
I see this in so many men, including my ex husband.
But my dad was a “friend to the world” – we were amazed that he had so many people that came to his funeral, people who he had helped out that we never knew about. He always called people to check up on them – he was a great role model to other men who struggled to reach out or express themselves.
My ex husband couldn’t wrap his mind around it and generally considered socialization with other men to be “weakness”.
May your beautiful dad RIP ❤
I’m one of the single men in my group of friends and the married ones or those dating go ghost or you barely see them anymore. Or it only seems they’ll hang out with their married friends and their wives. And I actually go out of my way to make plans on a regular basis and 99% of the time there’s excuses for everyone not to go, even if I plan weeks to months in advance.
I have also tried to steer the conversations on more deeper things besides talking about sports or the latest rap album (checking up on my friends’ emotional well-being, just texting or calling them to see what’s going on in their lives) but often it’s not reciprocated. The older I’ve gotten (currently 30), the more I’ve craved deeper connections with my friends.
Always be willing to expand your group of friends. I’ve even considered moving to another state because I met some friends that actually meet my emotional needs in a friendship.
That’s tricky because if you were buddies who connected over things like sport and music but never anything else then trying to go deeper than that suddenly is not always a dynamic those guys maybe want from you. It’s possible that they are having their needs met for the deeper things with others such as established close friendships or partners.
45 year old woman here. My boyfriend (49) of 7 years has had a supper club with his buddies for about 10 years now. Every two weeks they take turns making dinner for each other while they catch up, listen to music, toke, and drink. I became part of the group about 4 years ago. It’s so much fun! We love planning our meal out weeks ahead of time and making it a couple’s effort. It was our turn to host last night and we made the BEST adobo chicken with a spicy green papaya salad. I feel like my boyfriend is really well-adjusted because of his supportive male friends.
As a guy in my 40’s, I really feel this. IMHO it’s a really insidious problem for men with families. If we do everything we’re supposed to as good husbands & fathers – being a good provider (ie full time job), sitting down for dinner as a family every night, reading bedtime stories, etc., we end up isolating ourselves from other men. Kids’ activities do offer “some” opportunity to socialize with other men, but it’s still something where it’s more about being a father than making friends.
The doubly insidious part is how easy it is to spend time alone rather than socialize because being alone becomes rare and treasured “quiet time/me time”. The last instinct is to seek more socializing.
But… awareness is the first step to addressing the problem. And I am aware. Also fortunately the solution is really simple (just need the time) – men just need to think about what they like to do and seek out clubs or groups that do said activity. If none exist, start one and advertise its existence.
This is a problem for anyone with children, or a dependent (like a disabled sibling or parent that lives with them). Our communities have set us up to fail
This is a very good idea. I would also add, that in many of the comments, I still see a point that remains to be adressed: The emotional openess of those friendships. Of course, step 1 would be getting to know nice people to build trust. That is absolutelly a place to start.
But many people have friends to share a drink, watch football, play soccer togheter, ecc. This is good and healthy….but leaves out something really important. Emotional support, trust, and having someone to have a more intimate talk…that’s a different story than just sharing time with nice people. And this is something that men tend to allow themselves exclusively from their romantic partner, instead of having many relatiionships (friends, family members, cc) they can share their feelings with. It is very important to grow as a person, get to know one self and enjoy life as well.
It’s hard for anyone in this situation to have friends outside the family unit.
I mean, women work full-time jobs, parent their kids (FAR more than fathers do), sit down to dinner (that statistically the themselves cooked), do most housework…and still manage to keep up with friends. So why can’t men? It’s not a scheduling issue. It’s a problem of men not wanting to be vulnerable or be seen as gay. Men simply have worse social skills than women. Men actually brag about hanging out and not speaking to each other.
@@lavidamodernadero Hell, I don’t even feel comfortable talking to my birth family, and my wife does not have the emotional bandwidth to help me right now if I were having a problem.
It takes multiple people wanting to be open and connect to make those connections possible. Good friendships are special, you need the right person in the right place at the right time, and they need to stick around, and have time when you do.
This is normal for men. It’s not great. I’m not lonely, but I’m so busy being a dad and spouse that I don’t even have time to feel lonely or bored! Which means anyone who wants to be my friend is in trouble too: I’d really rather have a quiet few hours to myself than go out for drinks. It would need to be got an activity I’d rather do than all the things I’ve been waiting to do when I have time.
GIRL YES! I knew my partner was the one for me when he said “I love you” WHEN HE WAS ABOUT TO HANG UP THE PHONE with his friend!
My husband has a childhood best friend who basically doesn’t have any social life since getting married and having kids. His wife makes a big deal about him going out and always has a to do list ready for him at any second. For some reason she wants to control how he spends his time and he’s on the clock when he leaves the house.
When he comes to our home for the rare game night with my husband, I leave them alone. It’s like I’m not even there. It’s make bonding time and I encourage it and respect it -especially knowing what my husband’s best friend is going through.
I encourage my husband to hang out with his friends, engage in hobbies that involve other people just so he has his time as a man.
His buddies from college used to have a yearly reunion, but jobs and family obligations have made scheduling the next one hard, so we invited one of his college buddies that was around to stay with us for the weekend, and they had a great time.
Men need platonic relationships too.
Friends are so, so important. I’m nearly 40 and been mostly since for the last decade but I’ve got the best group that hang out regularly now and never feel lonely while when I was with my long-term partner and didn’t maintain my friendships, I was often depressed and lonely.
My boyfriend has several friends he says I love you to because they all met in AA and they’ve had each other’s back for 15 years at this point through thick and thin. It IS a beautiful thing.
I’m a 43 year old dude and my only friend is my female partner. It sucks. She’s great but can’t be everything. Trying my best to change that but it’s way easier said than done.
A lot of people say that it’s hard to make friends as an adult but I don’t think that’s necessarily true, it’s the effort that people struggle with. You have to put the same effort into _maintaining_ friendships as you would for romantic relationships. A lot of adults mostly make friends at work but then forget about them once they move onto another job, yet they know better than to do that to a significant other. You have to make it a point to keep contact if that friendship matters to you. Text now and then, ask to hang out, even if it’s just meeting up for a cup of coffee once a month. You can make friends, just put forth the effort to keep them around and not ghost them.
Good luck brother! If you can, join a sport where it’s easier to make friends — I’ve made some great friends rock climbing for instance.
Thank you fellas for the advice to the OP! I plan to encourage my husband to join a boxing gym or running club this year. Send him some male dominant networking events! I know he wants some real friends 🙂
I’m a 42 year old woman but it’s the same for me. My male partner is my only real friend. I have acquaintances. It really is so much easier said than done. I’ve put in the effort but they just don’t develop and being the one pushing or carrying the relationship along makes it empty and draining. Even when I try I don’t get reciprocity
This has been a life savior time and again for me, having a deep connection with people you love is one of the most important things. We undervalue friendship a lot.
I’m 34 and co-habitating with my partner and I see my friends very oftenly like once a week for some of them and they are the people who I know will be there when my older relatives pass and the children if I ever have some will move on to make their own lives.
My dad is 65 and about to retire and he’s kinda lonely having the one friend he didn’t see much because he was too “busy working”. He expressed regret about this. That’s one of the things I learned not to do from the previous generation and I try to keep my friendships alive.
To be fair, back when I HAD more friends, my wife (then girlfriend) was STILL my best friend. That’s one of the major factors to why I wanted to marry her. Like, can spend every waking hour with her, can share anything and everything with her, feel like we really “get” each other? Why would I NOT put a ring on that?
Even if your wife is your best friend,; it is still enjoyable to have other friends. My parents are married 35+ yrs and they r best friends. My mom lays her head on his thighs every nite while he watched the News, she sleeps off and he wakes her up so they go up to bed together. This is my ultra high network busy dad but he calls my mom from work twice a day even though they will see each other at home later in the day. Guess what? My dad still has 15+’friends from his early childhood through high school. My wedding had 600+ guests cos my dad has so many friends from business, school and over many interactions. On his bday and christma/New Yr day, hus phone rings the entire day. Every week someone on our street sends our parents a salad tray or grilled fish cos they have so many friends. Ppl who want friends make themselves friendly
Nothing wrong with that. I think this message can somehow be skewed to present that spouses don’t want to be best friends so they need to make their spouse find other friends. Nuance gets lost.
Both my husband and I have other friends, some we share, some we don’t. But we are absolutely best friends and I’d rather him do everything with me if possible, and vice versa. Been best friends for 11 years. It’s not an attachment thing, I just genuinely love and enjoy his presence and have more fun with him no matter what it is.
@@aeiou0123yeah, see that’s perfect. Your parents sound incredible.
This. I 100% agree! My husband has maybe a dozen ride-or-die besties and it’s both so weird and so wonderful to me. His dad’s side is almost all men, huge dudes, and they are so good at hugs and affection. I think it’s a big part of his success, to have so much support.
My male boss divorced from his wife, and months after, I noticed he’d talk with me (a woman) more and more about his personal life and emotions. In talking, he said he had friends but they weren’t close — it became so much more obvious to me that I was filling in the emotional support role by virtue of being the only female in his day to day life.
There is an inherent reason for that. That is how we are designed.