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Joe Lilli
“If I ever change my mind, there are options I can explore but I’m probably not going to.”
This!
If you are a well off straight/cis person, you can always adopt. If you don’t fit that profile though, most of these “Christian” adoption agencies will probably ignore your wishes and shame you more.
I must have that face or energy that invites weirdos, because people (usually older, Karen-types) used to stop me when I was younger, 18-25ish, and ask me where my kids were or comment that I must be enjoying grocery shopping without “the little ones.”
When I’d tell them I didn’t have kids, they would act shocked and say I needed to work on that or that God would bless me soon with a child. Until I learned better, I would say I actually didn’t want kids, and would inevitably be told I would change my mind.
Today, I wish I’d had the place of mind to ask them in return if they had kids so I could make a grim, disappointed face and tell them that’s too bad, what if they change their minds?
Gaddamn, that would be funny
As a career educator, I can tell you that quite a few parents admitted that although they loved their children, they wished they had not had children. It’s an unbelievably difficult undertaking for most people, and I never questioned my own choice not to have kids. And, it left me with time and energy to help care for others 😊
My favorite line from the babyists is the accusation of “selfishness”. Whenever they dredge that one up, they’re *_admitting_* that life is better *_without_* kids!.. because if it weren’t, then going without them wouldn’t be “selfish”!
So many people who shouldn’t have kids also decide to have them because they “want them”. Is that not selfish as well 🤷♀️
@@SLPtoMDthat’s literally the main reason I hear from people – it’s all about them and how they WANTED something out of it. Sounds selfish to me.
Nothing wrong with being selfish with your body, and what you know is best for you. The experience of having kids vs not having kids is 100% dependent upon the individuals desires. It’s not really for others to decide what that experience is or has been for someone.
I have three kids – life’s great. My sister doesn’t have kids -her life is great. 🤷♀️
I don’t understand this at all. The world population has doubled in my lifetime. Do we need more people?
The “selfish” part always confuses me. Selfish against who? It’s not like there’s some line of metaphysical babies up there waiting to be born and every living person who doesn’t want kids gums up the works.
As someone who does want kids and who came from a family with lots of kids, I’ve never in my life thought to shame someone for not wanting kids. That’s so crazy to me that someone would go out of their way to do that 😭
I know right? I would never demand someone live their life according to how I think they should, that’s unhinged af. Especially when it includes innocent kids who even didn’t ask to be made lol
I also didn’t want to have kids, but ended up having them due to family pressure. I love my children, they are amazing and I’m glad they exist, and at this point I would not change the past if given the chance (they really are pretty awesome little humans) HOWEVER, I can absolutely picture a world where I stayed child free and was just as happy and fulfilled as I am now (and with a little more change in my pocket).
It’s so weird that people get shamed for not wanting kids. What business is it of them?
right? my life my problems, your life your problems. why would you want other people to have the same problems as you?
i have an 11 year old and he’s my world, love him more than anything. but i can totally understand people not wanting kids. ESPECIALLY the baby stage. i dont miss poop at all.
Never wanted kids, spent almost 30 ecstatic years teaching and mentoring others’ kids, now happily (tho less frequently) mentoring them and Their kids… not a Single moment of regret.
Exactly. It’s impossible to know that love until you experience it personally.
People use it to feel like they are better than child free people, just like married women do to unmarried women. Children are a type of status symbol and an example of “survival if the fittest”. Sad, but true.
@@missmimideon2452 how could that be true when kids are a lot of the reason some people stay in poverty?
Never wanted kids, not for a day, though I worked as a nanny for years and adore babies and toddlers.
I’m 57 now and rather than feeling regret, my satisfaction with being childfree has increased exponentially over the years.
I think humor is the best strategy. I would often tell pushy people, kids are like vacation homes — I want all my friends to have at least one!
People who are up in your business are not entitled to a defense or explanation. They are often trying to justify their own choices, or else resentful of women who have more freedom. You do you!
Spot on – I will usually use humor or remind my friends with kids (who do seem to bring up the question from time to time? Confusing since they’ve known how I felt all along) that this means I’m always available to help care for their children! Lol the thought of free babysitting quiets people down real quick
I have been a nanny and a preschool teacher and never wanted kids. Actually it solidified my meanings more. But I also think children are great and a have caring instincts. People can’t seem to square that circle. They think oh you love kids so why don’t you want to be a mother?? I have always known deep down. I think the reason I like kids is becausei myself am childlike and playful so I understand them and I also like caring for people old and young because I am caring. But for me it’s about the life I envision. I don’t envision my life with children. I want my life to be mine.
@@sophieholloway1341 Amen!
I think people who have actually taken care of kids have a much better understanding of what it involves anyway.
It helps us make better informed decisions. Some women see having kids through rose colored glasses, and social media definitely does not help as people edit out the crappy parts of their lives.
Hi! I’m 44 and don’t want kids, and don’t want them even more than when I was your age. Also, I like your glasses!
Don’t these people get tired of asking? We don’t want kids. Leave us alone.
I love my kids, and I love being a mom. But love that we all get to (or should get to) choose to have them or not. Your body, your choice!
I’m 52, never wanted children and don’t have any. People still try to shame me and now try to add fear with “who will take care of you?”. The same person who has always taken care of me. Me.
Yes! And after regularly visiting my dad in a nursing home (dementia and required round the clock care), I saw a lot of elderly people who never had visitors. Just because you have kids, it doesn’t mean that they will care for you or even visit you when you’re old and infirm.
@@jeannesutter4951 My family is currently helping someone who is moving towards end of life. This means I’ve talked to a lot of nurses and social workers as we’ve all come to help take care of this family member and they have repeatedly told me we are definitely not the norm.
Yes and add to that, the threat of winding up in a nursing home, ugh! In the last 5 years, I’ve seen/ lost family members that were parents and… their kids DID NOT take care of them. 2 doted on their daughters, only to die at home… lying in old bodily waste, soiled sheets, and it still hurts to think about them like that. They would’ve done better in a nursing home or with home nursing care. 😢
@@jeannesutter4951 – “a lot of elderly people who never had visitors”: couldn’t many of them be people who didn’t have kids when they could have had them?
@ possibly, but the family photos hung on their walls would indicate otherwise. Having children is simply not a guarantee that you will be cared for in your old age.
I really resent it when m3n in online dating whom I haven’t even met yet feel like they have a right to comment on my child-free status… Buddy I didn’t even agree to date you. Why the f*** do you get to say on what I do with my life?
If you bring up kids before the first date… Fine…. You have a right to know where I stand… But if you push back or try to act like you deserve to have an opinion on my body what would I do with it?
I’m going to make you cry.
Your post is giving me horrible flashbacks of the couple weeks I tried online dating. It is difficult for men as well, but flat out lying is what I despised. 3 dates in a row I met women who saw my bio and that I did not have children, do not want children, and will not date someone with children. Period. This probably won’t come as a shocker, but all 3 had multiple children, lied about it in their bios, and also saw it in mine but figured trying to potentially start a relationship on a lie was somehow a great idea.
2 of the dates I couldn’t even finish because of the yelling and screaming, which was so wild to me.
I’ve just resigned to be alone, which sucks because I enjoy being in a relationship and consider myself a really awesome partner after so much self work over the years.
Dating, making friends, or even meeting like-minded people is hard enough at middle age, but those encounters made me swear off online dating. I’ve thought about giving it another try, but I just don’t think I can deal with the same thing again.
Have you had any luck finding anyone that didn’t deserve you having to make them cry?
@@jeremysmith4620 it’s crazy that there are so many people who feel entitled to override your preferences.
Our society is uncomfortable with people choosing not to have kids because we vastly overestimate how many people who have kids actually CHOSE to have them. A really high number were just having sex, got knocked up and were like “ope, I guess this is what we’re doing now!” They didn’t make a conscious choice and they get mad about people who do get to make that choice.
Exactly. It’s projection, plain and simple. The only people who ever shamed me for not having kids were often the ones who complained constantly about parenthood. You know who were the most understanding? People who genuinely loved being parents and deliberately chose that path.
You are so right oh my god. I love my son but I was pressed into keeping him when I was young and vulnerable. Now that I’m older, he’s entering high school and my husband and I have a lot of other things going on, I was faced with the same choice recently after my implant failed. I opted for abortion and I’m so grateful to have had that choice.
53, childfree, husbandfree and loving my life more than I ever imagined is humanly possible. You do you, and don’t spend one second worrying about other people’s opinions of it.
@@theresacard2237 exactly. People often have a look of horror when they learn I’m single and child free. I like to smile and say “I’m extremely happy “
37, child free and thank you for your inspiring words. I think I will stay this way. I’m tired of taking care of men and tip toeing around them. I just want to do what I want to do in life.
The day I got my fallopian tubes removed, was the day I found calmness. A weight taken off from my chest, no regrets whatsoever just certainty and peace.
Got mine out this year! A wonderfully freeing feeling!
@@annavetrova8200 tubeless club over here! 💜
I was so worried I would feel awful after getting them removed. Not because I think I would want kids or decide I would be able to take care of them in the future, but because I felt like I had no other choice due to the political climate, and just that I had to be so worried about potentially getting pregnant against my will even leaving aside the threats on reproductive rights. But I don’t, thankfully! No regerts
@@awkwardpawsome 💜 💜 💜 this is awesome!!
Got a hysterectomy almost three years ago and the sheer relief I felt knowing I would never have to worry about pregnancy scares or any of the rest of the bullshit that comes with having a uterus was something else. People have asked since then if I regret it. Like, are you kidding? That was the best decision I ever made for myself. My only regret was that I wasn’t allowed to do it sooner.
I will never understand this. I chose to have a child and that entire process felt like insanity – like of course the correct choice is to not do this! And I am so grateful for the lovely child free people in my life. They’ve stayed true to who they are and what they want; and I cherish the time I still get to spend with them! Kids are and always should be opt-in.
People are uncomfortable with those that want to be different in general
As if being childless was “different”. It’s not. Where do you live? In Bigfamilyland?
Yes!!!! Demonization of folks who are different/want different things is at the root of SO many of the hatred/oppression/discrimination throughout the generations!!!
@@pegapage9603, this snarky comment was completely unnecessary and also ironic, given that you’re shaming this person for having a different experience that you.
46, happily childfree, never married and solo….it was sometimes challenging when I was younger especially my solo status but statistically with how Gen X woman are doing, I now know how lucky I am. Also with the childfree thing they tend to stop asking after 40 it’s awesome 👌 😊
46 today and the same for me. Love being the godmother/cousin with means, who can provide amazing experiences or simply step in to give the parents a break. It does take a village to raise kids, but for some reason a lot of people forget that there’s more than two roles to play (parent or grandparent). I know my role and stay in my lane.
I usually mention how many parentless children are currently in the world and ask who is meant to take care of them. People leave you alone when they realize they were selfish in having kids when there are all sorts of amazing kids out there begging for a loving home.
💯
As a teacher, there are a lot of great loving parents out there. Sadly there are also parents who don’t truly want to be. Parenting is exhausting and is a non stop job for 18 years to life. It requires endless patience and resolve to provide the consistency, boundaries, routines, consequences, and loving support day in and day out. I would much much rather a person was intentionally child free than had a child simply because it is what you do and fail to provide the childhood that child needs. Those children are far far more likely to be violent, defiant, disruptive, and/or have accademic struggles than kids with parents that are actively involved. That is not to say that all unplanned pregnancies result in unwilling parents because that is not true. People’s desires do change when they go from one phase of life to another. It’s ok to change your mind and it is also ok to never change your mind. The main thing is that you are upfront and honest with your partner and that they are on the same page. For parents who are mourning being a grandparents I suggest signing up to volunteer at a NNICU. They can go and hold and cuddle babies that need that the most and maybe fill that void for them a little. There is nothing like being a grandparent, but it may ease the loss some because even they do not have the right to pressure someone into having a child they don’t want to have.
Let’s face it, there are people who make that decision while young and fertile and regret it later. It is a risk. But as one of my (male) friends who is retired now say: possible regret is not a good reason to have a child. One should really want it.
Some people will make such a decision and live happily ever after. Some will live with that regret. And yet, none of us should be forced to explain our reasonings to the world.
And, while I am on rant: whoever says that you should have children so they can take care of you when you are older….THAT is ultimate selfish behavior.
Preach that!
No. There is no possible regret. If you want a child and are too late to have one then 🥁 adopt one. If that somehow seems like it’s not a viable solution, go unpack why you think that matters with a therapist because “this child and I share slightly more than the 99+% of the DNA that all humans share.” Is irrelevant vs “I have spent hours and resources raising and teaching and guiding this child as they grow”.
Yup! I didn’t want kids at first and ended up having them. However, I didn’t have kids until I wanted to. It’s ok to change your mind and I think it’s better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
unless you’re financially autonomous, someone else’s kids will be picking up the bill for your costs in old age, having kids is the unselfish option because those costs come due no matter what, its just a question of whether you had enough kids to pay for it or are going to be burdening a smaller next generation to pay for you.
@@matthewneagley2136 huh? The choice later in life is more of a logistics thing than a genetics thing. If I’m 45 and I’m adopting a 3 year old, then I’m 60 when they graduate high school. That’s a far different situation than being 45 when they graduate like if I had kids now. It’s not a simple “oh just go obtain a child” math.
Also, why are you being dismissive of people who want to have biological? Perhaps the regret is wanting to experience pregnancy, which is wholly different than adoption? Neither option is bad, but you can’t deny that they are very different experiences.