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You Contain Multitudes!
Joe Lilli
I’ve noticed that a lot of people I know who go to therapy crumble under any expectation put on them, no matter how small or low-stakes. Not only will they not text you back, but they’ll get upset at you for being disappointed. You just have to wait for a rare “good mental health day,” or accept that all of your communication will be one-sided trauma dumping from them. Very tired of being there for people who weaponize therapy speak to avoid being there for me.
that’s not due to therapy, at least, not good therapy with a competent therapist.
This is a hot take and I am so here for it. I know someone going to one of those therapists and it’s absolutely wild how much therapy has increased her narcissistic tendencies. Blows my mind.
Same. I wish I had time to word-vomit about the therapist one of my friends had been seeing for years, but it’s exactly what you said – fuelling the narcissism and making no real progress.
As with a lot of things, therapy is only going to be useful if you take it seriously. If all a therapist does is validate your already existing feelings, then I’m kind of suspicious of that. Some of the most difficult days have been a therapist dropping a truth bomb on me that required me to interrogate my own behavior. Those days SUCKED but they were important.
THANK YOU! I hate watching friends slide down an echo chamber of “therapy” rather than putting in real work
As a therapist I always tell my clients one of the unintended consequences of breaking the taboo of therapy is it makes people pathologize everything and online spaces discuss therapy in ways that are deeply unhelpful. I also tell my interns that we as therapists are structurally set up to be incentives to keep clients longer because we need to be paid. It is a system that is not meant for people to be healthy and told they don’t need therapy and for therapists to be compensated appropriately in order to support those that do need therapy. It’s all messed up and I appreciate you making it clear not all therapy is good therapy.
In the areas near where I live there are waiting lists. I see no need to keep people in therapy if they don’t need it. Sadly, in my area they kick people off therapy still having issues at about the two year mark. Then you have to go on another waiting list for about a year wait to get back to therapy.
My youngest has been with 4 difference clinics. They started because they we bullied and attacked at school. We know now it’s because of Autism. They have anxiety disorder because of the bullying that happens with children who are “low needs, Autistic “.
💯!!! As a therapist too, I absolutely feel you on all of this. Thank you for saying this!!!
It’s on us to control our own behavior and regulate our own emotions. You have the right to ghost people- but that comes with consequences. And ghosting sometimes is not the same as going no contact, let’s be real. Cutting out an abusive and toxic parent is not the same like you not having patience for a friend
Very well said! The value of being a good community member is so underrated in American culture.
I’ve definitely met people that they told everybody in their friend group that their therapist greenlit their behavior when they were using slurs on their friends that were unwelcome.
I’ve been to therapist that just outright denied. I experienced something as traumatic childhood SA and At least twice a session would just redefine anxiety.
1000% this! Some of the “self care” behavior is mental abuse. Do we sometimes need to cut people out? Sure. Should we do it because we’re uncomfortable having a mature discussion? No, that just makes someone selfish and emotionally stunted.
Absolutely. It also perpetuates the cycling of internal suffering. If you’re withdrawing from community, refusing responsibility and obligation, spending all this time pathologizing yourself and pitying yourself, you will continue to suffer. You will not feel better.
As my mother always says, if your therapist tells you what you want to hear, you’re paying for friendship, not therapy.
That shouldn’t be what your friend does either tbh.
You need new friends if thats what they are doing. Real friends keep it real and have a vested interest in you being/becoming a better person.
As a therapist for 35 years-I appreciate this! My business is called Compassion Centered Therapy for Women for a reason!
The best therapist I ever had was the one who pushed me the most and was the most critical of me, but did so in ways that worked, and were still compassionate. She gave me the skills to become a better person, and sometimes she did that by calling out when I was being dishonest, overly dramatic, or self-sabotaging.
My therapist has walked me through my role in f*cking up so many situations, but she did it so kindly and honestly that I was able to realized I was in the wrong. I actually like myself so much more now.
My therapist told me early into our sessions “oh, also, please do not use reels or TikTok to get your therapy topics or advice, we can explore it based on your personal needs and values”
Imho there is some decent advice and useful tips on socials but it takes prudent fact checking and a lot of critical thinking and who does that when passively doomscrolling through a sea of information in quick succession :/
@ that was more what she was getting at. I wasn’t in a place to do more than absorb. Now I can bring information and discuss it but if I’m just scrolling to numb myself I’m definitely not following up.
I’ve had a therapist fire me as a client because I refused to discuss my childhood trauma with her. I’ve accepted the fact that I cannot financially cover the cost of opening that door, despite it being the root of a lot of (not all) my adult trauma. The fact that I have to choose what parts of myself to “heal” based on how much money it’ll cost me is severely messed up.
Love to hear you consistently bringing community into the mix because its such an essential part of being human and resisting the various ways in which were disempowered, but it always gets forgotten in discussions of mental health!
I’m in school to become a therapist AND I agree with you 💯. A lot of “therapy” being done out there is nothing more than people pleasing doing what feels right. It a much smaller minority of practice in the field that has statistically (let alone scientifically) been shown to be effective.
Most people lie to their therapists. That’s the biggest issue to start. Drugs, your own toxicity, etc.
Just a note that many therapists in the US don’t feel secure taking insurance because 1) insurance companies pay really low rates that therapists can’t afford and 2) insurance companies can retroactively “claw back” or rescind their pay months or YEARS later without any notice by re-evaluating and deeming that therapy as “misaligned with a client’s needs…” aka insurance companies don’t need a solid reason to rescind their payment. So unfortunately they are put in a tough spot by needing to keep clients “happy” so they continue coming back
Psychologist here and I was just talking about this trend with friends and how it’s weird to say we should stick with people who don’t show up for us. If we don’t put energy into people who don’t put energy into us, we make room for others who will. Being empathetic to someone who’s going through a tough time is one thing, but not the way these memes make it sound. I adore your content and balanced, nuanced views. Thanks for all you do.