Watch This If You’re Not Sure About Having Kids
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This is the third episode of our special 6-part capsule series, The Grown Woman’s Guide To Life. Hosted by TFD founder Chelsea Fagan, this series is all about navigating your 30s with style and grace — financially and otherwise. In this episode, Chelsea breaks down her personal reasons for being childfree, and some truths about the choice that rarely get talked about.
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This has been the topic of conversation in my household this week. We made our decision, but with some planning and work that needs to happen first. Once we pay off the last of the debt, not including our house, it’s going to be the move. we may not live the most lavish life in some mansion with brand new cars, but we have everything we need with some to spare with a slowly growing retirement fund. I appreciate you giving the disclaimer at the beginning, and everything you do.
Thank you so much for acknowledging how bad things could get at the start of this video. Men running arounding saying the words “Your body, my choice” makes this all the more nessassary. I’m considering an IUD for the first time in my life because I don’t trust these men. I want kids but have already had a miscarriage due to endometrousis so I’ve gotta have more control over when and how I get pregnant or I could end up prosecuted. F*cking insanity.
You might find some resonance or food for thought in the growing global 4B movement. You will definitely find many women who are where you are at. I’m older now, divorced, happy not dating, and have a CF adult daughter. Best wishes with your decision. Take good care of you
“We understand that reproductive rights, including a woman’s ability to decide whether or not to have children, are likely to be even more in question now than they were just a week ago.” Hearing that statement is truly terrifying as a woman… and I’m not even American.😭
I wish less people in society felt entitled to children, either directly related to them or in general as a future resource.
11:05 “Most boomers will…throw themselves in front of a car before they throw themselves in front of a therapist.”
It’s so true, frustrating, and unfortunate.
thanks for this vid i feel seen lol. im 34 now, and i wish not having kids was more accepted in today’s society. my 37 year old gf of 8 years and i broke up recently bc i’m like 90% not interested in being a parent, and she still wants kids despite knowing she’ll likely struggle if she has them. we stayed together so long bc i kept pushing it off thinking i might change my mind, and she kept thinking maybe she’d change her mind about not wanting them. it never happened
I’m still on the fence myself, my guy. 2-year relationship, she’s sure of being a parent, and I’m not necessarily opposed to it. Were there any factors that tipped you to and fro in your position?
“They’ll throw themselves in front of a car before they throw themselves in front of a therapist” lmao I see you’ve met my family! As a childfree married woman, thank you for speaking on this!!!
I wouldn’t recommend having kids unless you really want them. Yes, there are positives, but the negatives are so onerous unless you’re already well off financially or have a lot of family help/resources. The US makes child rearing really expensive and difficult. And it’s so complicated logistically with childcare, illness, school vacations/holidays, etc.
Yes! I feel such deep contentment spending time with the children in my life, I have a deep fear that I would not feel this way if the child was my own. Why I feel this I am not sure but I have listened to this voice and decided not to have bio children.
Definitely don’t have kids if you’re doing it to fulfill someone else’s expectations. You’ll be the one taking care of your child!
18:00 “There is no shortage of children who need people in their lives.”
Exactly! It takes a village; there are many different roles available that don’t require being a parent and still have a significant impact.
Wow! Great video! Interestingly, when I was younger I also thought I would adopt rather than have my own children, and now I’m very much not interested in having kids. I would have never made that connection, but you summarized it so well! Crazy to think that I had already made this decision years ago.
I was so baffeld at the amount of comments I got regarding our decision of having kids. Mostly positive (apparently I had the „right“ amount at the „right“ time), but still! This is a very very personal decision and still everyone around us (even strangers) needed to voice an opinion about that. Crazy!
Hi.
I’d like to thank you for this video.
I’m a 24 year old man questioning myself and others on this this topic and you brought me a really complete and interesting view of this very large question.
I had it rough thanks to an absent father but my mom really communicated it to me so it became a subject of reflexion for me very early.
I don’t really want children because I know I’m not psychologically apt to do so but we never know how things will develop in like 5 or 10 years.
This is why I’m always working to improve and move up from what the patriarchal society would like me to be based on an identity feature that I did not choose. Having the opportunity to hear the opinion of women like you is an amazing chance that could not be without the internet.
Anyway.. Thanks ^^
On the topic of adoption, we need more good adults adopting and fostering in general.
I have a complex history with the system but was a ward of the state and later adopted. The adopted family was worse than my family of origin in alot of ways. They weren’t ready to have kids but wanted them, and weren’t prepared if you asked any of the questions Chelsea does.
This could have also been a situation where the big brother or sister programs can help. Any child type of child advocate position. The people that I remember the most are teachers or adults I met through random programs that showed me kindness through the years. The key is just be a positive influence and be supportive of any children you are around.
To note, I would be considered a success of the system and saw many cases that were far worse.
Exit polls show men gravitated towards Trump. Women in the US should consider engaging in the 4B strategy of attrition: No dating, no marriage, no intercourse, no child birthing.
If a man has voted to reduce a woman to property, he should be denied access to that “property ownership”.
Then only the Trump supporters will have kids together ? Seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face.
West 4B!!!
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Even when a male partner is in 50/50, the physical commitment of growing/delivering a child and breastfeeding don’t really allow evenly splitting up child rearing during the first year! Breastfeeding is literally a full-time job. I was shocked by how much time I spent tethered to my baby.
15:34 this is what I have genuinely felt since I have started thinking about if I want kids.
I generally tell people not to have kids as it’s a major financial decision and most people don’t seem to realize how expensive it is.
With that said, I do find videos about choosing to be a parent on this channel to be a bit bait and switch. I’ll come into these videos expecting an actual discussion on the finances of becoming a parent and the barriers to that path which exist but instead get a reaffirmation on the experience of being child free. I actually don’t encounter many discussions on having only one child, the finances of parenting, social tradeoffs, the casual child hatred in NYC, or the reality of infertility and miscarriage. As far as fostering, guardianship and adoption — the legality of stepping in to protect vulnerable kids is legit difficult and heart breaking to a degree that rarely gets addressed. It’s not a good system and it does not support children at risk even in emergency situations.
fully agree with the part about more value being placed on biological children. It boggles my mind that people insist on going through pregnancy and childbirth with the assumption that it’s the only right way to have a child. I cannot fathom being so convinced you are unable or unwilling to love a child that you didnt poop out from your V-hole with your full heart. as someone who still entertains the thought of adoption one day, I feel pretty confident that if i decided to go down that path I would have no problem loving a child in an unconditional parental way, and the suggestion that that type of parenting is anything less than biological parenting feels offensive somehow
Very informative video! My daughter has been struggling with this particularly because she lives in TX. I support whatever she decides but i absolutely hate that she has to factor in “handsmaid tale laws” as a reason.